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{"id":1535,"date":"2023-04-16T21:05:47","date_gmt":"2023-04-16T20:05:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.narum.org\/?p=1535"},"modified":"2023-04-18T20:39:26","modified_gmt":"2023-04-18T19:39:26","slug":"historiefella","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.narum.org\/historiefella\/","title":{"rendered":"Historiefella"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Det er ikke bare Donald Trump som holder seg med alternative fakta. Vi gj\u00f8r det alle sammen og det kan g\u00e5 galt n\u00e5r vi pr\u00f8ver \u00e5 overtale noen om hva som <em>egentlig<\/em><\/strong> <strong>skjedde<\/strong>.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"698\" src=\"https:\/\/www.narum.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/2020_0606_Historiefella-1-1024x698.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-1627\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.narum.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/2020_0606_Historiefella-1-1024x698.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.narum.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/2020_0606_Historiefella-1-300x204.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.narum.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/2020_0606_Historiefella-1-768x523.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.narum.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/2020_0606_Historiefella-1-1536x1047.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/www.narum.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/2020_0606_Historiefella-1-2048x1395.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Hilde er rasende. Hans pr\u00f8ver \u00e5 bagatellisere hennes innsats \u2013 igjen. For en uke siden var hun i butikken, hun kj\u00f8pte ost, melk og middag og var hjemme tidsnok til at maten sto p\u00e5 bordet til kl. 18, slik at de skulle rekke \u00e5 spise f\u00f8r s\u00f8nnen skulle ha pianoundervisning kl. 19. Problemet er at Hans, som ogs\u00e5 er rasende, mener at hun slett ikke laget middag den dagen. Det var det han som gjorde. Den dagen hadde han klippet plenen og laget middag, det husker han godt for han hadde h\u00f8rt p\u00e5 en podcast fra BBC mens han drev p\u00e5, og n\u00e5 pr\u00f8ver Hilde \u00e5 gj\u00f8re et poeng av at hun synes hun gj\u00f8r mest \u2013 igjen.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hilde og Hans har havnet i Historiefella. De er uenige om hva som egentlig skjedde, og begge er overbevist om egen versjon helt ned til minste detalj. Hilde <em>vet<\/em> at hun kjenner <em>den<\/em> <em>objektive sannheten<\/em>. Det gj\u00f8r Hans ogs\u00e5. For begge gjelder det \u00e5 f\u00e5 etablert den ene, rene sannhet.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Jeg sp\u00f8r Hilde og Hans om hva de krangler om. De er begge r\u00f8de i toppen og pr\u00f8ver \u00e5 forklare dommeren, alts\u00e5 meg, at de har rett, ved \u00e5 gjenta de samme argumentene og belegge dem med hva ektefellen &laquo;alltid&raquo; og &laquo;aldri&raquo; har pleid \u00e5 gj\u00f8re.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Late psykologer kan n\u00e5 lene seg tilbake og la klientene bruke en halvtime p\u00e5 \u00e5 t\u00f8mme kjelen for damp mens de kommer med p\u00e5stander og generaliseringer som holder temperaturen oppe. Det koster nemlig ganske mye \u00e5 stoppe par som krangler for full maskin. Det er mye lettere \u00e5 la dem skli ned i <em>Historiefella<\/em> som handler om \u00e5 ta for gitt at egne minner og antagelser er objektive \u2013 om \u00e5 g\u00e5 i krig for egen sannhet uten \u00e5 forst\u00e5 at den kan v\u00e6re subjektiv.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Utallige ganger har jeg sett par som blir ekstra sinte p\u00e5 hverandre n\u00e5r de diskuterer trivielle ting, som hvem som laget middag forrige mandag. Kanskje handler det om et nedarvet forhold til sannhet, at det av og til kan v\u00e6re livsviktig \u00e5 f\u00e5 etablert en objektiv sannhet: Bestemor d\u00f8de av \u00e5 spise den gr\u00e5 soppen! Nei, det var den hvite! Nei, den gr\u00e5. Det handler egentlig sjelden om den middagen. Jeg har aldri opplevd at noen \u00f8nsker \u00e5 fortsette diskusjonen om hvem som faktisk laget en middag, hvis de \u00f8yner en mulighet til \u00e5 slippe unna. Dette er en diskusjon uten vinnere. Om det skulle v\u00e6re slik at den ene parten f\u00e5r siste ordet, betyr det bare at avstanden til partneren er blitt litt st\u00f8rre.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Psykolog Heidi Ihlen bruker en metafor om at alle mennesker lever i hver sin osteklokke. Inni den klokken vet du om alt som skjer. Din verden utspiller seg som en 360-graders film rundt deg, der du st\u00e5r i midten av kuppelen. Alle har sin helt personlige og private forestilling, og det betyr at du ikke kan vite noe om andres opplevelser eller intensjoner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>N\u00e5r du s\u00e5 havner i Historiefella og p\u00e5st\u00e5r noe om det din partner har sagt eller ment, kommer du med antagelser fra egen osteklokke. Og det du sier er selve sannheten \u2013 sett med dine \u00f8yne. Problemet er at din partner har en helt annen opplevelse i sin egen klokke. Sett med partnerens \u00f8yne stemmer ikke dine fakta, for din partners fakta er akkurat like sanne som dine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hilde og Hans tviholder p\u00e5 argumentene sine. Hilde bruker et minutt p\u00e5 \u00e5 finne kvitteringen fra matbutikken og legger den triumferende p\u00e5 bordet som bevis p\u00e5 at det var hun som laget middag. Hans leser kvitteringen og husker p\u00e5 en prikk hvordan han krydret de kyllingfiletene Hilde hadde kj\u00f8pt.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Til slutt greier jeg \u00e5 stoppe dem. Jeg m\u00e5 fysisk lene meg inn og lage et time-out-tegn.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hans blir nesten forn\u00e6rmet over at det skal kunne finnes andre sannheter enn hans egen. Han var til stede og <em>vet<\/em> hva som skjedde! Jeg m\u00e5 minne dem p\u00e5 at folk legger merke til ulike ting i ulike situasjoner, og hva de f\u00f8rst lagrer i hukommelsen og siden velger \u00e5 hente ut, varierer i enorm grad fra person til person.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hilde og Hans blir enige om \u00e5 leke med muligheten av at det i noen situasjoner <em>kan<\/em> finnes to subjektive sannheter som begge er like sanne. Dette var et \u00e5r siden. N\u00e5 greier de ofte \u00e5 senke farten og navigere seg utenom Historiefellas n\u00e5del\u00f8se detaljfokus. Det handler ikke om hvem som laget middag. Det handler om \u00e5 finne ut hvordan de kan vise at de er der for hverandre.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Publisert i Dagbladet Magasinet: 6. juni 2020<br>Psykolog og parterapeut Andreas L\u00f8es Narum i parweb.no<br>Kategorier: Relasjonstips, D\u00e5rlig kommunikasjon, Kranglem\u00f8nstre, Historiefella<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Hilde og Hans har havnet i Historiefella. De er uenige om hva som egentlig skjedde, og begge er overbevist om egen versjon helt ned til minste detalj. Hilde vet at hun kjenner den objektive sannheten. Det gj\u00f8r Hans ogs\u00e5. For begge gjelder det \u00e5 f\u00e5 etablert den ene, rene sannhet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,56,57,39],"tags":[95,90,74,91,94,83,84,93,92],"post_folder":[],"blocksy_meta":"","yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Historiefella - narum.org<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.narum.org\/historiefella\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"nb_NO\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Historiefella - narum.org\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Hilde og Hans har havnet i Historiefella. 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